The Diplomats
by GIRL IN STORY
Summary: A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a tactful way that you'll look forward with pleasure to making the trip, or: The Avengers go on diplomatic missions around the world.
1. Chapter One: London

A/N: This is set either before Infinity War, if Civil War didn't happen, or after Infinity War, assuming everyone came back from the dead.

Basically, I've been hurt enough.

* * *

The Avengers were on a diplomatic mission to England.

For some reason, they had taken Tony.

He didn't remember to call Queen Elizabeth "Your Majesty" the first time he addressed her, but at least he managed a, "Ma'am" instead of the various nicknames he had rifled between in preparation for the meeting, which included, "Queen Drag," "Bitsy," and, "Yaaaaaaas."

The Avengers didn't want to reinforce any unfortunate American stereotypes, so instead of taking a private jet, they flew commercial, or as Tony called it, "Slumming."

They packed their uniforms for the UN Summit and civies for everything else. Steve packed khakis. Tony packed five days worth of Freddie Mercury T-shirts (to wear when meeting the Queen). Natasha packed for Clint. When he opened the bag, it contained three outfits, and seventeen different kinds of hair products, because, "Your hair is a literal bird's nest." ("That was _one_ time, Nat!")

Bucky packed twelve knives, none of which were caught by airport security, despite the private screening they had to schedule due to the arm.

Steve had made sure Bucky would be okay with flying before asking him to join the more official Avengers on their diplomatic mission. Bucky had replied, "As long as you're not the pilot." ("That was _one_ time, Buck!")

Steve had decided to take the Stealth Suit so as not to appear at the British Parliament wearing an actual American flag, but people just kept mistaking him for Captain Britain.

He had never even _heard_ of Captain Britain. If he weren't trying to avoid appearing so aggressively American, Steve would have sued him.

As if that weren't bad enough, half the crowd outside Parliament left when they found out Diana Rigg wasn't coming.

"What are they talking about?" Steve asked. "What _other_ Avengers? Is this about Captain Britain again?"

"You wouldn't get it," Tony said irritably.

"I know," said Steve. "That's why I _asked_."

After the UN Summit, the Avengers were scheduled to go sightseeing. It was as much a part of the diplomatic mission as meeting the Queen. According to Hill, they had to be seen "enjoying British culture." Steve was afraid that would be difficult for him. He liked England just fine, even if the last time he visited was in the aftermath the Blitz, but he was Catholic, and felt vaguely guilty for enjoying anything.

They started with a of Buckingham Palace. When Bucky saw tourists messing with the Queen's Guard, he got very _still_.

The guards were stationed behind a fence, but it had been opened up for the Avengers, and tourists were using the opportunity to take selfies. The guards didn't react at all, not even when a tourist leaned in and planted a kiss on one of 'em. That was probably because she was Swedish. Steve had read a lot of guidebooks (he _was_ the Man with a Plan), and they all said that the Queen's Guards were allowed to react if their personal space was invaded.

Bucky had gone so still he was in danger of getting left behind, so Steve kissed one of the guards.

He _was_ the Man with a Plan.

He just never said it was a _good_ plan.

The guard looked about ready to piss himself, which honestly Steve was impressed he hadn't done already, standing outside for hours without a bathroom break. He gave the guard a wink, which didn't do anything to put him at ease. Steve forgot that happened when he winked now.

So Steve kissed the guard again. This time, as he pulled away, he whispered, "Treat me like a French tourist."

The guard turned his rifle on Steve and shouted, "Make way for the Queen's Guard!"

Steve heard the artificial shutter of a hundred digital cameras behind him, and he knew he would get a reaming from Fury, if he was lucky (Hill, if he was not). He smiled at Bucky, who shook his head, hair still uncut despite his _numerous_ knives, fully aware Steve had done that on purpose and why.

Steve apologized to the guard, who somewhat startlingly winked at _him_.

"Do you remember Falsworth talkin' about The Home Guard," Steve asked Bucky. "In… 1941? Their Westminster Unit stood guard at the palace."

"Home Guard?" asked Clint.

"All of the fella's who couldn't join up," said Steve. "We had 'em in New York too; all the states did. Bucky wanted me to join."

"Hey, Jack Dempsey joined the New York Guard," said Bucky, the argument having been rehashed so many times that it came automatically. "Don't act like all those punchin' bags you go through ain't because you wanted to be the The Manassa Mauler. You just liked him 'cause he was also a 4-F."

Steve knew that he had never looked so _delighted_ to be made fun of. He knew this mostly because Tony looked a little jealous.

"Did you see those 'Keep Calm and Carry On" posters everywhere?" asked Tony, taking a picture of a tourist taking a picture of him.

Steve scratched his head. "Uh, no? I just remember these ones that said, 'I need bones!'"

"That's alarming."

"They were housewives to donate kitchen waste. I think they used it to make bombs."

"That's not really less alarming."

The next day, the Avengers went for tea at the Fortnum & Mason's salon: clotted cream scones with strawberry jam, coronation chicken and cucumber tea sandwiches, Battenburg cake made in right there in Piccadilly.

They saved some of the cake for later, but only because they still needed to be able to walk. Vision had convinced them to go on a self-guided tour of Whitechapel. Self-guided, because apparently, he was a….

"Ripperologist," he said, more enthusiastically than Steve really felt comfortable with anyone talking about a serial killer.

At least he got the reference this time. Peggy's mother had been in London at the turn of the century. Mrs. Carter had described to her daughter in great detail the fear she felt walking the streets of Whitechapel in the wake of the killings.

"...a brass ring," Vision was saying. "It was shaped like a serpent eating its own tale, a cheap imitation of the wedding ring given to Queen Victoria by Prince Albert when their engagement was announced. It represented love eternal, which was somewhat ironic considering Polly Nichols charged extra for love lasting longer than ten minutes…"

That fear seemed to have skipped a generation, since her daughter had actively sought out people who were killing each other. Steve only knew Mrs. Carter's stories because Peggy had used them to scare the bejesus out of the Howlies one night around a campfire in Dusseldorf. Dugan didn't sleep for _weeks_.

"...a fitting punishment. Public hangings were outlawed in 1868, which was something of a shame, considering the British Empire had a reputation to maintain as the progenitor of the spectator sport. To my left, you'll see..."

On their last day, they went to see Big Ben, but they didn't stay long, because Peter couldn't stop crying.

Airport security took longer the second time around. Bucky's knives still didn't set off any alarms, but they had less luck with the Christmas pudding Tony had bought for Pepper from the Harrod's outpost at the Heathrow Airport.

Steve had been about to buy a teddy bear dressed like the Queen's Guard for Bucky, when Tony pointed to a sign in the window.

"Sorry, Cap. You're not allowed to shop here."

Steve squinted at the sign. His eyesight was 20/20 since the serum, but he was tired, jetlagged, and kind of scared to sleep around Vision now.

"Duty-Free Shopping."

In the end, airport security decided that the pudding was probably not a bomb. Steve gave Bucky his new bear, and the three of them actually slept on the flight home, even though Vision was sitting behind them.


	2. Chapter Two: Paris

A/N: Title change because apparently this is a series now.

* * *

The Avengers' next diplomatic mission was to Paris. For some reason, they took Tony again.

"I don't even have to pack my CamelBak," he crowed. (There were no open container laws in Paris.)

Their meeting with Macron was uneventful, mostly because Steve and Bucky were the only ones who spoke French. (Natasha spoke two dozen languages, but she conveniently forgot them in the presence of politicians.)

After their meeting, the Avengers visited the Père Lachaise cemetery. It was about one-sixth the size of Central Park, but felt so much bigger, because of the cobblestones, which only seemed quaint until Steve had been walking on them for a few hours.

It was worth it when they finally found Oscar Wilde's grave. A beautiful Art Deco piece, it had once been covered with the lipstick prints from hundreds of literary pilgrims and members of the LGBTQ+ community. Eventually the lipstick began corroding the headstone, so a barrier was erected. Natasha pressed a bright red lipstick print to a napkin from Les Deux Magots and handed it to Bucky. He left it at the base of the grave.

As a kid, Bucky had loved _The Picture of Dorian Gray_. These days, he mostly read _The Ballad of Reading Gaol_. Wilde wrote it when he was imprisoned for "gross indecency."

 _He walked amongst the Trial Men_

 _In a suit of shabby grey;_

 _A cricket cap was on his head,_

 _And his step seemed light and gay;_

 _But I never saw a man who looked_

 _So wistfully at the day._

Clint got pickpocketed on the Métro ("Aw, France, no,") so the next day, they went to the American Embassy for an emergency passport. They woke up early, bought sandwiches from the only boulangerie open, and took the Métro to the Place de la Concorde. The sandwiches were entire _loaves_ of baguette filled with ham, lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise, and Emmental cheese, all for about four euros. Steve ate his (two) sandwich(es) the way women on TV ate yogurt.

On their way to the embassy, they counted seven police sirens. The Police Nationale were out in force, armed with assault rifles, as they had been since the terrorist attacks in 2015. There was a demonstration outside the Luxor Obelisk. A man was standing on a shipping container, speaking to a crowd through a megaphone. There was a banner on the shipping container that read, " _Blé radioactif ukrainien_ ," or "Radioactive Ukrainian Wheat."

After that, the only thing Steve could think about was the (two) sandwich(es) he had eaten for breakfast.

He forget them as soon as they found a doughnut shop near Arts et Métiers. It sold everything from American-style matcha green tea and maple bacon doughnuts to the traditional fare of French pâtisseries. Tony bought an entire box of Paris-Brest pastries. They were made of choux and cream, like an éclair. The only difference was the shape. The Brest was round.

(It was designed to look like a wheel in celebration of a bicycle race between Paris and Brest, but Tony started humming whenever anyone tried to tell him this.)

Steve rolled his eyes at Tony, but he also ate twelve.

The lady at the doughnut shop told them the protest that morning had been over Macron's labor law reforms. Steve still didn't know what that had to do with radioactive Ukrainian wheat, but he and Bucky had already decided to write a comic book about it.

They had been writing comics since Steve's therapist suggested he start making art again. Steve did the drawings and Bucky wrote the stories. Bucky had always been a nerd, dragging them to Stark's expos and _The Bride of Frankenstein_ when they had two dimes to rub together. Most people thought Steve was the nerd because he was small, but Bucky was the one who loved science fiction. Steve was the one who loved punching people in alleys.

They made sure to explore the Rue Saint-Jacques, a street full of comic book stores selling everything from translated _Batman_ to French-Belgian _bande dessinées_. Thor got several _Tintins_ so he could practice his French. They had lunch at Café Le Quartier Général, a comic-themed brasserie with menus hidden inside comic book covers. It took Bucky a few minutes to find his, because he was used to hiding his comics behind other books, not the other way around. Then he was overwhelmed by the choices, so Clint ordered him Nutella tiramisu.

Steve wanted to draw Bucky eating Nutella tiramisu and mail it to Hydra (along with a Claymore mine and tripwire firing system).

After lunch, they needed either a walk or a defibrillator, so they adopted the _flâneur_ lifestyle, wandering (staggering) along the streets of Paris.

Peter wanted to borrow Vélib' bicycles, which were like Citi Bike, but much more dangerous, even by Steve's standards. Paris traffic seemed to move based more on intuition than laws (of either traffic or physics). Pedestrian traffic was no different, and Clint swore the Walk/Don't Walk signs were maintained to help pickpockets identify tourists. Parisians seemed to have some sort of ancestral knowledge that told them when it was safe to go. It probably came from generations of trying to navigate the Arc de Triomphe roundabout.

Bruce wanted to visit the famous Farmer's Markets, like the Marché Bastille, but they ran out of time. They ate exactly one green thing in Paris and that was a doughnut.

Vision didn't want to do anything in Paris.

Probably not enough serial killers.

Their last stop was the Avengers Station museum exhibit at La Défense that had been reinstated for their visit. The exhibit itself made Steve uncomfortable, which his old costumes, and the alarmingly accurate reconstruction of SHIELD headquarters, but he loved La Défense, even though it was the least old-fashioned part of Paris.

Haussmann's apartment buildings gave way to skyscrapers, convention centers, and corporate headquarters. One of its nicknames was _Petit Manhattan_. Its construction had received no small amount of criticism (not unlike the Eiffel Tower).

La Défense was also an open-air art gallery. It's name came from its only 19th century sculpture _La Défense de Paris_ by Louis-Ernest Barrias. The other sixty plus sculptures and monuments of La Défense were modern greats such as Miró and Calder alongside lesser-known artists. Building permits in Paris often came with a requirement to fund public art. Steve thought that was pretty swell.

He slung an arm around Bucky's shoulder. "We could retire here, like Oscar Wilde."

Bucky gave him the same look he gave Natasha whenever she "forgot" a language.

"Someday," he amended.

"Someday," Bucky agreed, and together they watched the sun set over La Défense.


	3. Chapter Three: Tokyo

The Avengers' next diplomatic mission was to Tokyo. For some reason, they took Tony again.

"Maid cafés!" he shouted, unprompted, in the middle of their red-eye flight.

"Maid cafés!" someone responded from coach.

Vision turned off his ability to hear, which was apparently a thing he could do. Steve wished for his old deafness, buried his face further in Bucky's hair, and went back to sleep.

The someone in coach turned out to be Deadpool, who was Facebook friends with Spiderman and had apparently decided that Peter's requisite vacation post constituted an invitation. Deadpool had been allowed to carry his katanas on board the plane, because "they're cultural artifacts, and Beatrix got to do it in _Kill Bill_ ," and no one was brave enough to argue with him. Steve spent the rest of the (eleven-hour) flight, apologizing to the stewardesses- "Flight attendants, Steve."

The Avengers arrived at Narita airport bright and early. Maria had decided to limit their stay to Tokyo because no one thought it would be a good idea to send Captain America to Hiroshima or Nagasaki even if though that had been after his time. He decided not to mention the firebombing raids. Everyone seemed to forget that they did even more damage than the atomic bombs, and that had been after his time too.

It turned out to be a good thing they took Tony, because he and Natasha were the only one who spoke Japanese (and Natasha kept "forgetting" she spoke it around politicians).

Natasha called Tony a, "Weeaboo." He replied with, "Hentai," to which Natasha countered, "Shonen ai?" prompting Tony to rejoin with, "Shojo ai; also, bukake," at which point Prime Minister Shinzō Abe excused himself from the room.

Steve gave a jaunty wave and said, "Sayonara," which was the only word he knew.

That night, they spent exactly ten minutes at a capsule hotel before Bucky flipped his shit and also a table.

Tony found an all-night manga café, where they made last minute reservations at Toco in Iriya. Toco was a traditional guest house, with sliding doors, a koi pond, and the oldest Fujizuka in Tokyo. Fujizukas were miniature mount Fujis, manmade so the infirm who couldn't make it up the real mountain had a place to pray. Steve thought that was nice.

Toco also had late check-in hours.

They were supposed to do a public meet-and-greet outside the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building in Shinjuku, but no one showed up. It turned out a _Detective Conan_ themed café had just opened down the street. The Avengers decided to check it out, despite no one except Tony knowing what a " _Detective Conan_ " was. ("Shojo ai?" Natasha questioned, and Tony said, "Femfic," which didn't sound particularly Japanese to Steve, but the only word he knew was "sayonara.")

They had to wait in line for twenty minutes. ("I'm rich," said Tony. "I don't wait this long to poop." There were no follow up questions.) They couldn't order, because Tony's Japanese was limited to political discourse, so the nice waitresses tried to serve them the café's signature dish. It turned out to be APTX4869 Curry: red and white rice shaped like a two-toned capsule pill. Half the Avengers lost their appetites. Steve was concerned, because based on Tony and Natasha's conversation, he assumed the themed café was somehow political in nature. Bucky refused to touch it with "a ten-foot chopstick."

They had better luck with other themed cafés, which included:

An Owl Café where Sam and Clint staged a protest because the owls were being mistreated. (It was a sit-in protest and they ate a lot of cake, so it might have been a little antithetical to their cause.) A horror themed café that Vision enjoyed way too much. A toilet-themed café that Tony enjoyed way too much. (There were still no follow up questions). A Moomin themed café that Thor enjoyed exactly the right amount. They filled their phones taking pictures of the Norse god drinking tea with a giant plushie Moomin, pinky up. ("I think my ovaries just exploded," said Deadpool.)

They also visited several temples and shrines, including one North of Ueno which had a memorial to insect who had given their lives to science. Scott took a moment.

At the Senso-ji temple in Asakusa they found a store selling plastic restaurant food replicas, including a pepperoni pizza cowboy hat. Clint took a moment.

Steve and Bucky's favorite party of Tokyo were the Daiso dollar stores. Steve may or may not have panicked over the prices before Sam sat him down and explained yen.

"Stevie, they have dinnerware for a dollar. Do you know the last time I saw dinnerware for a dollar?"

"Was it the last time someone used the word 'dinnerware'?" asked Tony.

They rounded off their trip with karaoke. Deadpool gave Bucky his katanas to hold while he changed into a maid outfit, which he seemed surprisingly comfortable in. Peter blushed and muttered something about a "Hit Monkey." There were a lot of follow up questions.

Clint and Sam did a duet of Lynyrd Skynyrd. (They still weren't over the owls.) Deadpool did a Céline Dion power ballad called Ashes, which made everyone tear up. (No one was over Thanos.) Tony did Black Sabbath. (Tony always did Black Sabbath.)

Bucky seemed _un_ surprisingly comfortable with the katanas, so no one asked him to participate. Steve wasn't _allowed_ to participate, because, "There's a reason you didn't have a singing part in Man With a Plan, Stevie." He and Bucky spent the evening drinking Asgardian mead out of 3.4 oz bottles and watching the performances of the other Avengers.

"Still disappointed we didn't make it to a maid café, Tony?" Steve had finally gotten drunk enough to ask someone what a maid café was.

"Eh." Tony shrugged. "Next trip."

"Weeaboo," said Natasha.


	4. Chapter Four: San Francisco

Their next diplomatic mission wasn't really a diplomatic mission, except that it was.

Tony said the Avengers were named after an American punk rock band formed in 1977 San Francisco, California. Maria said the name was a public relations tactic implying second-strike and consequent self-defense alibi. Either way, the Avengers (the band) were putting on a reunion show at the recently reopened Winterland on the corner of Post and Steiner, and Tony insisted on making it a "team bonding thing, because it's like Disneyland for Winter Soldiers."

"I don't know," said Steve, ignoring "the Winter Soldier" thing, because Bucky was always telling him to pick his battles, and that picking all of them didn't count. "Maybe when Bucky's not so startled by loud noises?"

Bucky had done fine in Tokyo and London, but the protest in Paris had left him twitchy. Meeting Thor had left him even more twitchy. Steve had thought actual electricity was involved until Bucky told him to "put the Shield down, Steve."

Getting a static shock from Thor wasn't like getting a static shock from someone who had rubbed their socked feet on carpet (Tony.)

"Oh, he's _fine_ ," said Tony. "I mean, he doesn't even react to my morning rants anymore."

"That's just background noise now," said Steve.

"Actually, I find it impressive," said Bucky. "I've heard drunk people make impassioned political speeches before, but only on Fox."

They flew commercial, because all of Tony's jets were in the hanger (he'd been running into some problems with his latest V8 engine, which was designed to run on V8 juice. He said that he had gotten the idea from a smoothie dream.)

Steve finally got Bucky to leave all his knives at home, but they forgot about the government shutdown. The government had been through more shutdowns more than Tony's V8 engine since Trump took office. They encountered TSA delays, but that worked out, because their flight was delayed until the next morning.

Tony yelled at people who worked for the airline. He yelled at people who worked for TSA. He yelled at people who were just passing by. He had his fly down for this. He was told that he could call the customer service hotline to "express his emotions." Tony expressed his emotions with both fingers. That was when Natasha took over. She got them tickets for another airline at no extra charge and extra Biscoff cookies.

The Avengers (the team) had the day to play tourist before the concert. Tony wanted to visit Alcatraz. Steve expressed some concerns, because half of the Avengers had been in prison of one kind or another, but Wanda said she wanted to practice some of the distress tolerance techniques she had learned in her DBT group, and Bucky said he wanted an "Alcatraz Swim Team" T-shirt.

They met a dockworker with three fingers (total) who was a fan. He gave them free cookies from the ferry snack bar. Tony ate three. Steve normally felt guilty in the face of generosity, but he also felt like had to eat more cookies than Tony, on principle.

There were hardly any rangers on the island, due to the government shutdown. A skeleton volunteer staff were keeping the place up and running. Steve felt even worse about the cookies, so he agreed to give a speech during the mandatory orientation. He wasn't sure what to say, so Bucky told the story about tending bar at a Brooklyn Night Club the evening Scar Face got his scars. It was wildly popular.

No one spent much time in the cells, but everyone enjoyed the gardens. They were full of international plant species dating back to the Civil War era. There were Bearded Irises, Narcissus, and Calla Lilies. Thor particularly liked the "Lady Jane." Tony particularly like the "Naked Lady."

They were out of "Alcatraz Swim Team" T-shirts, so Bucky got a messenger bag that said, "Alcatraz USP Regulation 5: You are entitled to food, clothing, shelter, and medical attention. Anything else you get is a privilege."

Steve expressed some more concerns, until Bucky said, "Stop it, you sound like a pigeon."

Wanda sat on a bench outside the warden's overgrown fifteen-room mansion and used her powers to help the plants grow through the crumbling walls. She said it called "Distress Tolerance." Upon overhearing this, Tony looked a little shamefaced (or sunburned), and suggested they ferry back to Fisherman's Wharf for lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe, his treat. He bought Wanda a beer cheeseburger with bacon jam, and a T-shirt that said, "Make Time to Be Kind," in heavy metal font.

They had to ship their dirty laundry home. Tony told the UPS guy that they had bought too much stuff in San Francisco, "and we didn't have hearts to leave."

Steve didn't get it.

For dinner before the show, they went to Sears Fine Foods on Powell Street. Tony kept looking for the lingerie section. Steve didn't get that either.

They were seated at a table under propaganda poster from WWII, which said, "They're fighting harder than ever. Are you buying more war bonds than ever?" This led to a rousing chorus of Star-Spangled Man with a Plan, led by Tony. Bucky sang harmony.

Their menus informed them that Sears Fine Foods had been founded in 1938 by a retired circus clown, which led to a discussion of why clowns were so scary.

"It's pattern disruption," said Natasha. "Being creeped out is a way to maintain vigilance during a potentially dangerous situation. Clowns are nonverbal and in disguise. You don't know what they're thinking."

"I hesitate to argue," said Vision, who Steve sometimes found hard to believe was Tony's creation, "but I believe clowns are alarming due to their liminality. Like Frankenstein."

"Frankenstein's monster," said everyone else.

"Actually, the monster was Frankenstein's offspring, so he was literally a Frankenstein." Vision sounded smug, and oh, yeah. There it was.

The concert wasn't exactly to Steve's taste, but he didn't have to perform, which was all he asked for in a musical event.

At least that was he thought until the Avengers (the band) played a song called "The American in Me," and the Avengers sang along as suggestively as possible, which was a particularly creative feat considering it was a war protest song.

They flew back first class. Steve got a seat in the Non-Talking section, which he believed was a real thing right up until the Avengers burst out laughing.

"Tony said—"

"Tony says a lot of things," said Maria.

Tony _didn't_ say anything about the concert being on his birthday, so none of the other Avengers (the team) said anything either. They did give Tony several small gifts to say thank you for the first class seats.

Bucky gave him a replica shiv from Alcatraz, which he had sharpened himself. "It's okay," he said, "I have five more."

Wanda gave him a copy of the DBT Skills Workbook.

Steve gave him a previously unaired version of the Captain America PSA about STDs, in which he had agreed to the "shield" jokes.

Vision gave him a mug that said, "Best Dad Ever."

Natasha gave him tickets to the New York Renaissance Faire, which was Tony's second favorite gift (after Vision's.) Steve hadn't known that Tony participated in Renaissance Faires, but it made a certain amount of sense in retrospect. ("What? I wear a suit of armor. How is that surprising?")

Everyone froze when Wanda kissed Tony on the cheek and wished him a happy birthday, but he just looked a little flushed (or sunburned).


End file.
